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04/22/2006: "we're all in this together"

Naiah posted Fallible Tenacity on her blog this week, and Richard had the chance to read a copy of it last night on our way to a 13 party in Ahwatukee. He got about half-way through and he said to me, "No wonder you haven't been blogging lately, you've been ghost-writing for other people!" We laughed together, and he finished reading.

Right now I describe myself as extremely fallible but not very tenacious. Would that I had once again that determination Naiah expresses, particularly in the last paragraph. It ebbs and flows like everything else in my life--it's been low tide for a long, long time.

Living hell on earth is miserable for the occupant and the family members dragged into the inferno.

Those who have earned their "through hell and back" t-shirts stand at the ready to share their own stories, provide what guideposts they found, and pray for the emergence back onto solid ground. They lovingly tend to wounds and burns, but aren't afraid to rigorously scrub charred flesh to make way for healing either. They are truly sisters borne of adversity.

I've much anger, fear and despair bottled up inside of me, because I know that 99% of the people who ask me "how are you?" don't really want to know. And of that 1%, the initial pouring out turns to overflowing negativity and even the most positive people don't want a glass half full of bile. Thus I stay corked around others as much as possible, inserting a smile when I'm wailing inside, a chuckle when I'd rather scream. I save that for when no one else is listening.

I am in the midst of a spiritual drought, where the Water of Life isn't breaking through to my parched soil. I thirst. I wander. I grieve. I ache for the Lord's presence in my life again. I want to believe that He's still there, He's been here with me all along... that it's just a temporary internal chemical barrier scrambling the lines of communication.

If asked, I want to be able to say, "Where is His arm right now? It's holding [me] up. Even if [I'm] flat on the ground vomiting out the most vile of feelings, it's holding [my] hair back and letting [me] vent. He loves [me] so much."

Eventually, I'll use my experience and knowledge to be a voice, a hand reaching through the flames to help another lost in a conflagration, and I'll get my own t-shirt. I hope they come in green =)

Replies: 6 Comments

on Saturday, April 22nd, mamacita said

And, green would look so good on you! So does red, orange, blue and purple.

Glad to see you back, sorry for what you're going through, and REALLY sorry that I have no wonderful words of wisdom to offer, or anything else useful to offer, to help you through it.

Due to my own parched condition these last 25 years, especially, I really hope you find all the spiritual moisture you can handle very quickly.

Working on my own website, I'm not cool enough to do it without templates, but will pass that stuff along as it happens.

Love you lots!

on Sunday, April 23rd, Tanya said

Oh dear sister, I know the pain you are going through. I don't have to the same degree as I have had in the past, but I know the need to paste that smile on my face when I just want to sit down and cry and really, really wish someone would want to talk to me about what is going on with me. Perhaps that is why I'm not a fan of VT because I have never, ever had someone do that for me. I have never felt that real interest in what I'm feeling or going through. I do care, and I wish I could help you through this time. The only thing I know is to really fill your life with as much good as possible, from music, books, scriptures, talks on tape, what ever it takes to let your spirit know that you are not letting these physical blocks get you down and out. That you are fighting with all you have in you to be what you can be! I will always talk if you need to, you can yell and rage and do what you have to do. I know that it is not you and who you really are. I don't know if that helps, I know it was hard for me. Keep on asking for blessings, and pass on to your dear husband to not be afraid to ask if you would like one. Michael doesn't do that for me and sometimes it would be nice if he would just say, "I know I can't do much, but maybe a blessing would help?" I know he thinks that a blessing should be asked for but sometimes I'm just too miserable, or even doubt my own self worth about whether or not I deserve one. My prayers are there for you that the sun will shine and lighten your life.

on Monday, April 24th, Moi said

Thanks Mama. I hope you have fun with the site and a blog(?) because I've certainly enjoyed mine =) (thanks again, sis!)

I appreciate your love and support. When I'm down it is beneficial to have others disagree with my self-vilification, even though I'm likely to argue the validity of those statements in that frame of mind. Your respect for me as an individual has always been important to me--thanks.
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Tanya, the suck it up and smile times don't do much for my struggles with VT either. I guess bringing food to my family once I've had a nervous breakdown is easier than trying to visit me or genuinely care ahead of time...

I'm grateful for your caring concern despite the miles that separate us. Like King Benjamin's address to the poor who had no money to help others--I know you'd help me however and whenever and whatever you could do (you too, Mama).

I was thinking that I needed to burn a CD with some of my favorite soundtrack pieces--like Fellowship's concerning hobbits or Jurassic Park's journey to the island.

Thanks for your prayers and offers to be there for me. Know that you have mine in reciprocation, both supplications and availibility. Heck, we can cry together if we need to =)

on Monday, April 24th, Moi said

Oh yeah, Richard says he needs to talk to Michael about that offering to give a blessing thing...but to clarify he is still working on that himself and it's probably something that *all* the Robinson men need to work on.

on Wednesday, April 26th, MomR said

My heart aches when I read of your and Tanya's struggles. I wish I were closer to both of you (meaning not so many miles away). We did talk some while I was down there. Maybe not enough. I am available by phone for either of you and am told I am a good listener. I'm willing. Just give me a call and I'll call you back. Sometimes just venting and stating things helps. No real response needed. You both are in my prayers.

on Thursday, April 27th, Moi said

Thanks, MomR. It's nice to have hugs from afar