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03/30/2005: "Pondering in the HOV lane"

music: Smashing Pumpkins
mood: talkative =D

Driving often affords me thinking time while the children are playing with each other or singing along to a CD. Today I thought about Richard's treatise on shame that he wrote me just about ten years ago as I struggled to come to terms with my past. I asked him to bring it to me in the hospital so I could read it again, for my struggle with feeling broken has certainly aroused feelings of shame. I am as moved by his words and the scriptures he cites as I was then. He helped me understand that while there is 'Godly Sorrow' and 'Worldly Sorrow' no such thing exists as "Godly Shame". Guilt may prod us into action one way or another, but shame serves no purpose other than to drive us to hide parts of ourselves from humanity and ultimately God.

I am humbly blessed by the reactions of true friends and fellow church members, lifting and supporting me when my natural reaction is to cast myself away. I hope that as I serve and learn and grow in the Gospel I may break down some of the prejudice and stigma that surrounds mental illness, even in our knowledgeable day.

I also thought about the excellent skillz (ha!) that Richard possesses with the written word. I find so much insight and comfort from the things he writes, whether it's poetry, prose, praise, or an essay on alliteration =) He and I used to exchange pieces in an attempt to get me to switch gears from the teenage angst I filled my writings with at the time. I'm glad we kept our correspondence so we can return to it again and again.