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01/03/2006: "glimpses of the future, here and now"

My memory works in mysterious ways. To try to keep the promises of the Lord fresh in my mind, I keep a blessing journal. It is a collection of notes pertaining to priesthood blessings I have received; this current notebook started in October 2004. It follows the roller coaster that led to my diagnosis, and my ups and downs and all arounds since then.

My ability to flow (thanks, debate) allows me to capture the words as they come, or if it was not possible to write during the blessing, to remember them long enough to get them on to paper shortly thereafter.

When the blackness is so thick that I am convinced that I am beyond hope, beyond redemption, a worthless waste of space and resources, my existence creates burden no one should have to carry... it is God's Love that brings me back from my fall over the edge. It is manifest in so many ways around me all the time, but the fog is so deceptive, so all-encompassing that I lose all my strength flailing against it, against myself, aching desperately for light.

It's not always comforting for me to read these words. There are times when I read 'em and weep, wondering when they will come true, when will my efficacy be restored? Some days, some nights, some times I am just barely hanging on to rational thought. Like the MS patient who doesn't know how and when the disease will strike or what capability will removed or for how long, I struggle with the unpredictability of my mind. My prayers are simple pleas for sanity, for function. Please don't let me pass out all day. Please let me love my family without cringing at their touch. Please let me concentrate enough to make a meal that they can eat. Please give me strength to do more than cry when they need me. Please let me be patient when the up spurts come so I don't fly off the handle when they can't keep up.

There are times when I look at the counsel, and I just cannot fathom how it will work out. I know I'm at point A and the words talk about point B and my mind is grasping at straws to figure out how to make lines.

You may have guessed that I'm in one of those moods, where I can see the glimpses of the future and shake my head in dumb awe. I'm no longer stuck in the void but my operating system is still malfunctioning. I am currently 'beyond feeling', unable to understand the messages of love and hope that surround me. All I see are my failings, repeating over and over again, spreading chaos and dysfunction. But this is not my promised future, the words tell me so. I just don't know how to get there.

~Post Script~

The song Kimberly mentions in her comment happens to one that I recorded in my journal almost two weeks ago, so that I would remember that it was true. In that same entry I mentioned reading an article in the January 2006 New Era by Elder Cecil O. Samuelson, What Does It Mean to Be Perfect?

I highly recommend reading it (taken from a 2002 devotional talk) as he outlines scriptures and quotes from conference addresses by Elder Russell M. Nelson, and the late Elders Ashton and Maxwell.

It felt fabulous to read and timely for my needs then...it's a little harder for my mind right now. I'm struggling with even the tiniest of baby steps.

Replies: 13 Comments

on Tuesday, January 3rd, Tanya said

Those dark spaces are hard, and tough, the best I can tell you is to remember who puts those there, and who wants you to feel that way. It is hard when the body doesn't work right, but hand on to the things you know!

on Tuesday, January 3rd, Kimberly said

Have you ever heard Michael Mclean's song "Hold on, the light will come"? your blog reminded me of that song and it also reminded me of what I go through sometimes. Just like the song says, Hang on, the light will come. It will. You are doing okay. Heavenly Father loves you. You are always in my prayers.

on Tuesday, January 3rd, Tanya said

One more thought. Are you on BCP? They really caused me to go into the type of dark places you are describing, so completely unable to see any spiritual light no matter what I did. Just a thought, to check everything you are taking and looking a side effects of them. Even Ibuprofen can cause depression, and I'm sure it can't make your condition any better.
Oh, Nedra has updated her blog, just for you!

on Tuesday, January 3rd, Moi said

You know, I'm on all sorts of medications right now, but nothing hormonal. Dr. Castilla (my ob/gyn) and I figured that we would avoid messing with my hormones since my brain was doing a bang up job already.

on Tuesday, January 3rd, Tanya said

I figured that would be the case, it is just that what you describe is exactly how I felt one hormones and chemically induced depression. Something to thing about.

on Tuesday, January 3rd, Moi said

We are wondering about just dropping the cuurent meds at this point, because I'm incredibly unstable... *sigh*
We'll be praying & fasting about that this weekend.

on Tuesday, January 3rd, Kimberly said

the weird thing is I only used BCP to help me get pregnant and they always made me feel more stable. I am wired backwords though. Even now I use an estrogen cream to help with my horrible periods and even out mood swings.

on Wednesday, January 4th, Kimberly said

oops that was progesterone cream, not estrogen. I am going to shoot you an email later and tell you some things I have been thinking about that might help.

on Wednesday, January 4th, Tanya said

Well pregesterone usually isn't the hormone causing the problem it is estrogen that does. In my case because I already produce too much estrogen, the pill could make it worse, even the low dose estrogens.
Anyway, I hope you do okay, and my prayers will be with you. You will get this figured out somehow.

on Wednesday, January 4th, Kimberly said

Oh I was going to tell you if you can't even manage baby steps, crawl. It's okay. Take it real slow set yourself the one or five minutes I talked to you about and if baby steps are too hard go less than that.

on Wednesday, January 4th, Kimberly said

and if you can't crawl, let someone carry you!

on Thursday, January 5th, sarebear said

Hugs to you. I SO understand. You describe it in ways that help ME, too, and help me know that you understand. And that I understand you.

All those "Please let me . . . 's", . . . I just see through that prism, LIVE IN that prism, my life is imprisoned in that prism.

You are a beam of light to ME. And your kindness means so much to me.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

on Saturday, January 14th, MomR said

My heart just ached as I read your thots. I'm glad to know them. They enable me to be able to pray more specifically for you. I hope it is theraputic to write your tho'ts down. It seems like it would be. I hope by now that you are feeling better. I think as remember reading a week later altho' you weren't happy with the answer you got that you realize that you did get an answer. I hope things keep improving for you. I love you.

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