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01/10/2006: "It's good to be back (thank you sis!!)"

All's well here in blog land; my Random Musings no longer strikes out. Well, at least the page request doesn't, my musings themselves still have every opportunity to fall flat.

It is the second week of 2006, we return to scouts this week along with meetings with both homeschool groups.

I threw a bit of a spiritual tantrum last night; frustrated with the my medical situation, unsure of which option to pursue even after fasting Sunday, feeling more and more distanced from the Spirit with this disorder, I asked for and received a priesthood blessing from my husband. Recalling a friend who was told explicitly what to do about her medication while pregnant, I awaited the counsel which I would surely follow. Instead of the specific knowledge I sought, I was blessed that I may have the desire & faith to weigh these decisions in prayer, to seek more for confirmation of things that I have studied out and researched than to seek for guidance in words and ideas, but that these would surely come as I put forth my best efforts in planning and execution. As my husband continued, I wrote the words while one thought repeated over and over: this was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted answers, I thought,weeping as though I'd been left to fend for myself. I felt this way for much of the night, snatching crumbs of sleep here and there.

This morning, however, I feel somewhat different. While still disappointed that I wasn't going to get the perfect answer to my plight, I realized that I really hadn't put much faith into prayers, knowing that I would have a very hard time understanding the answers. I recalled Laman and Lemuel's response to Nephi, that the Lord maketh no such things known unto us, and bingo! That was what I was saying, that just because it's harder for me to feel the Holy Ghost (or that I understand Him like I understand my baby's babbling--there's a reply but I have no clue what it means) why should I ask? So, I made a decision, and determined to use this time to better decipher what I'm being taught/told. I can learn something from this, instead of mourning that the message was not what I expected.

I returned to the rest of the blessing, which I'd tuned out while recording the words thereof, and found other blessings I'd been seeking for, blessings I need just as much as the answers I sought. I'm embarassed by my behaviour--who knew that I'd be throwing tantrums at my age?--and profoundly grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who forgives readily, and His arm is extended still.

Replies: 8 Comments

on Tuesday, January 10th, Kimberly said

your thoughts mimic mine as I go through the challange of this pregnancy the challange to keep the faith and not stress too much. I want specific answers I don't want surprises I want to knwo if I will carry this child to term. But that is not how the Lord has chosen to answer me. I understand the tantrum thing too. I think you are learning from this Téa and that is a good thing

on Tuesday, January 10th, Autumn said

Familiar words???

It's not always comforting for me to read these words. There are times when I read 'em and weep, wondering when they will come true, when will my efficacy be restored? Some days, some nights, some times I am just barely hanging on to rational thought.

The compliments I receive from others during those times are generally dismissed as rose-colored illusions, because "obviously they don't know the real me". When I can let go of my blinding perfectionism to open my eyes to the way that God sees me, to the self that those who love me readily recognize, when I can know myself as I really am and as I will be, then I know the truth.

The Lord has blessed me to be very capable in a lot of different areas, and He has also blessed me to have weak areas which take much work to even come out average, if they even come out that high.

I need to remember that my goals and dreams are stars to steer by, not rods to beat myself with...

Let your heart be not faint
Now the journey’s begun;
There is One who still beckons to you.
So look upward in joy
And take hold of his hand;
He will lead you to heights that are new—

The cleansing process of letting go is a refreshing alternative to giving up. It is vital to healing, vital to progress. Letting go offers freedom from the disease of despair and the captivity of fear."

Thelma Elizebeth... Has it ever occured you that you have the answers already? Despite any negative thoughts on yourself... hum these songs when you feel yourself drowning: "The spirit giveth light everyone" "Your not alone" "I need thee every hour"
Look deep, FEEL deep. You ALREADY have the answers...why? how? because you are a child of our Heavenly Father and Mother. You KNOW that and do not doubt, even when you are at your lowest, that's why!! You have such an advantage in this life! I leave you with this very special message that I have grown to love and appreciate:

If our children ask for bread, we don't hand them a stone. If they want fish, we don't give them a serpent. Jesus said " If we who are imperfect, know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will our Father in Heaven give good things to them that ask of him."
I love you with all my heart, Autumn

on Tuesday, January 10th, Tanya said

I know you will find the answers, maybe you just need to take them one at a time, instead of trying it all at once. Look at one issue, and one solution for that issue. Then see what works for several issues?
I don't know, not having been there myself I can't say, but I know answers come in time. Just don't give up, that is the worse thing you can do.
And yes, I too have thrown my share of tempertantrums, and I'm older than you.

on Tuesday, January 10th, Sis said

Sorry about all this everyone.

on Tuesday, January 10th, Moi said

hey, you're not responsible for my tantrums!

on Wednesday, January 11th, Sis said

No, but I feel responsible for feeling like a schmuck. You've been perfectly lovely through all of this. I just should have written POE sooner. My pride is just hurt from not fixing it sooner.

on Wednesday, January 11th, Moi said

Ah, but you'd think POE was busy enough directing people to, er, um, E =)

on Saturday, January 14th, MomR said

The tho't that comes to my mind is the saying I am fond of saying: I will be very interested to find out when I get on the other side just how many of the things I have gone thro' in this life I agreed to before I came here.
I feel that if I agreed to go thro' with it then it is something that I can get thro' no matter how hard.... or that I really shouldn't complain about it.

It makes me wonder if your illness isn't like that. It's part of the way you said you would be tested. I know that doesn't make it any easier when the darkness is upon you but hopefully it will help make it so it doesn't get as dark as it could otherwise. Remember that Satan remembers how valliant you were in the preexistence even tho' you don't and he will do anything that he feels will defeat you. Don't let him win. I love you.