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11/15/2005: "The power of personal application"
I've combined thoughts taken from three sources:
The challenge of accepting ourselves by Darla Isackson
[http://www.meridianmagazine.com/articles/051111image.html]
in which she quotes
To Young Women by Jeffrey R. Holland
[http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-559-9,00.html]
followed by fmhLisa's fabulous post
Two Conversations I'm Never Having again
[http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=354]
Yes, that really is the site and No, it's not an oxymoron.
The “Never Enough” Trap
To those pursuing the unreachable goal of the physical ideal, Elder Holland suggests that even though we have a “great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around, yet at the end of the day there would still be those 'in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers' as Lehi saw, because however much one tries in the world of glamor and fashion, it will never be glamorous enough.”
“Never enough.” Isn't that the way I've felt a million times as I've chased after the “goodness ideal”? The mocking and pointing fingers may be only in my mind, but they feel real. The point is that however hard one tries in the world of checklists and “doing” and “appearing” no number of good deeds ever feels “enough.” In my early life, the more I pushed myself with the misguided motivation of trying to prove my worth or earn points to appear righteous, the less peaceful and the less okay I felt inside.
I can look back and recognize that sometimes I was doing the behavioral equivalent of nipping and tucking and implanting and using a great and spacious spiritual makeup kit trying to appear whole and happy and righteous and all together. The effort was exhausting and it was never enough. I could never do enough, be “excellent” in enough areas to feel “okay.”
Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Elder Holland counsels young women to let go of the “fictional (to say nothing of superficial) standard.” He suggests they, “be more accepting of themselves, including body, shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not!”
Parallel idea: Can we apply Elder Holland’s counsel to behavioral perfectionism? Can we let go of the fictional standard of being excellent at everything and be more accepting of ourselves — including our individual talents, strengths, and weaknesses?
Two Conversations I'm Never Having Again
Conversation One:
LisaB’s post about her (selfish and proud) lazy dirt-covered life got me to thinking about the first thing every Mormon (and lots of the non-mo) woman say every time I go into her home.
“Sorry it’s such a mess.”
Usually I want to smack this woman. And half the time this woman is me. I’m Guilty, yes.
Let’s just stop. I want each of us to make a solemn vow to never ever speak these words, or any like unto them, ever again. Okay? Deal? Just stop. (This counts double if you’re one of those evil types with not so much as a stray dog hair on the couch, and then you apologize and make those of us with yogurt on the walls feel extra badly.)
Even if your floor is so covered in Little People that you have to slash and burn a trail to the couch so the visiting teachers can perch precariously between a pile of newspapers and a bucket of last nights popcorn oldmaids (I don’t know a pc term for them there tooth breakers) , even if your dog is licking baby vomit off the floor as the doorbell and telephone ring and your children run around naked covered in chocolate, EVEN THEN, you will not say, “Sorry it’s such a mess.”
We will just smile sublimely, push the newspapers to the floor, and talk about something that matters. You are honoring them with your presence, let’s make the house a non-issue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can you see the potential power in the personal applications of principles here?
If we can let go of unrealistic expectations, avoid the never-enough trap, and start a new trend by not apologizing for our homes, how much more powerful and confident will we feel?
(If you want to read about Conversation Two, go to the original post here )
Replies: 7 Comments
on Friday, November 18th, Kimberly said
Hi I have been thinking about this for the past few days since I first read it and I am even contemplating blogging about it.
First let me say that I personally have stopped reading Feminist mormon housewives a while ago because I don't like the spirit of that page nor do I consider myself a feminist (I don't even want to be one) *chuckle*
I agree that we should not have to apologize for our homes and I agree that we should not have unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
I do however feel that our homes and bodies should be kept healthy, well cared for and attractive.
I feel that we should teach our children cleanliness and that we should raise them in a comfortable and nice environment.
No, I don't think we should be so hard on ourselves and we should always remember what stage of life we are in but The part that says "Even if your floor is so covered in Little People that you have to slash and burn a trail to the couch so the visiting teachers can perch precariously between a pile of newspapers and a bucket of last nights popcorn oldmaids (I don’t know a pc term for them there tooth breakers) , even if your dog is licking baby vomit off the floor as the doorbell and telephone ring and your children run around naked covered in chocolate, EVEN THEN, you will not say, “Sorry it’s such a mess.” is a little unrealistic to me.
I know it was meant to be funny but if our houses are THAT bad then something is wrong and we should re-evaluate where we are and maybe even admit we need help, not aoplogize just work on change. and if we know someone like visiting teachers is coming we should at least try to to pick up or prepare a "path" for them out of respect.
I mean nothing negative or disrespectful about this. this is just how I feel.
on Friday, November 18th, Moi said
I think you and I agree throughout =)
The examples were exaggerated for effect, granted, but the point remains the same: apologizing for the mess does nothing beneficial for either party.
I think that we should do our best to be good stewards of what God has given us--taking good care of bodies & homes is part of that. Teaching our children righteous principles is part of that.
Becoming obsessed with appearances is so dangerous, as Elder Holland says, because it is never enough. That doesn't mean we don't have standards that we try to live up to, but rather that we don't put the focus on that as opposed to weightier matters.
I didn't take anything in what was said to imply that change may not be needed, but rather that apologizing for x,y, or z about our own appearance or our home's is a habit to be evaluated and if so inclined, to stop.
I'm glad you took the time to write about your thoughts--it gave me a chance to clarify with my own words what I got out of those messages.
on Friday, November 18th, Kimberly said
although I am not a fly lady fan, I don't beleive in a company house and a regular hosue either but don't you think it would be common curtsey to clear a path and leave a space for the visiting teacher's to sit? Plus my "family home" is always good enough for company because it is important for me to have it clean and organized for them"
the pride thing---you worry about words too much but after a lot of prayer and study there IS such things as having pride in your self, family, country, and home and that is NOT hautiness. I used to avoid the word pride at ALL costs but I don't anymore after a personal revelation from my Heavenly Father in the Temple I now understand the difference!
on Friday, November 18th, Kimberly said
I almost apologized for the typos and mis-spelled words. But then I was thinking is that the same as apologizing for a messy house?
on Friday, November 18th, Moi said
Kimberly:"the pride thing---you worry about words too much but after a lot of prayer and study there IS such things as having pride in your self, family, country, and home and that is NOT hautiness. I used to avoid the word pride at ALL costs but I don't anymore after a personal revelation from my Heavenly Father in the Temple I now understand the difference!"
My mistake, I didn't realize in the intial draft you were posing a question you already knew the answer to, my oops =)
In the future I will err on the side of not answering potentially rhetorical questions.
on Friday, November 18th, Kimberly said
Nope this was totolly my fault I left off like a whole paragraph on my blog that I thought I had put on there. I guess maybe I should go back to not using pride as a word again.
I won't even buy proud to be American stickers. I don't mind God bless America or I love America though.
A guy commented on my blog and said some things that made sense. I enjoyed and agreed with what he said.
I accidentally erased what you put on there last, I was trying to do something else. You can either re-paste it or just go with what you posted here and call it good.
I don't use the word pride much but I think what I was hearing in the Temple was that my idea was right and He understood what I meant. God doesn't just hear our words, he knows our thoughts and intents which is more important than what word we use!
I am truly sorry for making you think you shouldn't post at all. I should have re-checked what I actually wrote before I responded to you.
I have been really acting before I think lately---not sure what is up with that!
I re-wrote the post with what I thought I had written the first time if you want to go back and read it. Again I apologize for acting so poorly. I really didn't mean anything negative.
on Tuesday, November 22nd, nemesis said
Oy, vey. Such a lot of stuff you have to wade through in the name of family peace, my dear.
I understand that you have your trials to bear, and family certainly seems to be a big one.
I'm impressed how you use your intelligence and faith to remain gently above the fray and refrain from the overall obvious nastiness only partially buried beneath the pretense.
I wish you every strength to continue to do so when you come under attack in the future from the self righteous.
I also wish that person a happier life. How sad that she must play that zero sum game. How wonderful that you do not also feel the need to.
Blog on, I sure enjoy peeking at your world, and I hope you continue to share it.
