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11/02/2005: "Happy All Souls Day!"

I've been doing a lot of searching in my own over the past couple of weeks. I know I am not my illness, but its roots are interwoven so tightly in my brain sometimes I have trouble seeing around them. I've mentioned before that instead of delusions of grandeur my main fight is against illusions of worthlessness, persistent thoughts of failure.

I'm nervous in some aspects because we're coming up on the anniversary of my first hospitalization and eventual diagnosis. I worry that no matter how faithful I am in taking my medication and taking care of myself that I will have breakthrough episodes much like an epileptic has breakthrough seizures. I work very hard to not let those fears paralyze me, but sometimes I will zone out and that is all that is going through my head until someone/thing brings me back to the present reality.

Reality is something that seems sketchy enough at times. Who am I? Do I really know how to do anything? Am I going to feel this way for periods at a time for the rest of my life, no matter what?

An e-mail promoted a forum's question recently--what's your favorite thing about yourself? Alarm bells went off in my head when I realized I had no positive answers for said question. I could easily dismiss any quality/attribute with a quick deprecating observation.

Angels bear me up right now, and as I am weary the Savior helps me waken morning to morning. My struggle against the dark fog right now is thankfully without desires/plans to harm myself. It is just another facet of life with this disorder--learning to live with it and love myself all the same.

Replies: 3 Comments

on Thursday, November 3rd, Tanya said

Sounds like it is time for some good positive thinking. I know easier said that done. Write 10 things down everyday you like about yourself. Also for 1 week write down 100 things every day that you are grateful for, you can't repeat anything so by the end of the week you will have 700 things you are grateful for, See if that helps. Then be sure you aren't having any PPD on top of it all. Some of what you are saying sounds much like PPD. Take care,

on Thursday, November 3rd, Autumn said

From a Friends point of view, and from personal experience...I would advise searching for a therepist. I have come so far in many aspects in my life through seeing a wonderful therepist! Also there is a program through LDS social services for women in situations like you and I...It is a 6 week program and the next one starts in January. It apply's all the gospel principles through a differnt lens so that those who have suffered through junk like you have and I...basically it builds you up. For more info...call me. I believe you could benefit from this course and I would really like to go through it for myself. I have the same issues as you... Love, Autumn

on Thursday, November 3rd, Moi said

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate your love & friendship!

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