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11/02/2005: "Happy All Souls Day!"
I've been doing a lot of searching in my own over the past couple of weeks. I know I am not my illness, but its roots are interwoven so tightly in my brain sometimes I have trouble seeing around them. I've mentioned before that instead of delusions of grandeur my main fight is against illusions of worthlessness, persistent thoughts of failure.
I'm nervous in some aspects because we're coming up on the anniversary of my first hospitalization and eventual diagnosis. I worry that no matter how faithful I am in taking my medication and taking care of myself that I will have breakthrough episodes much like an epileptic has breakthrough seizures. I work very hard to not let those fears paralyze me, but sometimes I will zone out and that is all that is going through my head until someone/thing brings me back to the present reality.
Reality is something that seems sketchy enough at times. Who am I? Do I really know how to do anything? Am I going to feel this way for periods at a time for the rest of my life, no matter what?
An e-mail promoted a forum's question recently--what's your favorite thing about yourself? Alarm bells went off in my head when I realized I had no positive answers for said question. I could easily dismiss any quality/attribute with a quick deprecating observation.
Angels bear me up right now, and as I am weary the Savior helps me waken morning to morning. My struggle against the dark fog right now is thankfully without desires/plans to harm myself. It is just another facet of life with this disorder--learning to live with it and love myself all the same.
